I Thought I Knew But I Didn’t Really

I thought I knew, but I didn’t really.

I thought I knew that life would continue as it had been, only without Pam. The same career, the same family and friends. The same home, church, and routines. I knew it would be hard, sad, lonely and in some ways awkward. Pam was always the social one, the conversation driver, the one everyone was attracted to. I knew I needed to step more into that role if my relationships were going to continue. I kept trying, I kept looking to God in need and gratitude. I kept marking the years and sharing through her blog. I was amazed as one year turned into two and then 3 and then 5.

This date has been on the horizon for some time now. Like a storm rolling in from the west, I didn’t really know how to prepare or what to expect. 3/3/13 – 3/3/23. It’s been 10 years. Ten years!

Reading back through the early blog postings that Pam wrote is not something that I can do on a regular basis. I haven’t read through them for a few years. I did read them this year. I felt like I had to. This year has been different from the previous annual pauses. All the emotion and pain that I have been managing and dealing with in bite sized chunks in the previous years demanded a more complete unpacking after ten years of real-life experience. Maybe I would find some words of wisdom that would resonate differently now that ten years have passed. Maybe I could look more fully at what happened in those last 4 months with Pam. Those four months went so fast. In some ways it was a blur but there are moments during that time that I will never forget. We thought she had maybe 6 months or possibly a year and then came the last weekend. We didn’t have months; We had hours. Saturday she wasn’t able to get out of bed, she labored to breathe through the night. Sunday morning dawned. She was still battling and then I whispered into her ear, “We are going to be ok, you don’t have to fight anymore. You can go. I love you.”  It wasn’t long after that, as I was holding her hand, watching her chest go up and down, it stopped. She was gone. Even as I write these words, I’m still shocked at how quick the end was. Then the funeral, the burial and life kept on going and going and going.

I look back at what has happened since she left, and it is almost incomprehensible. Recounting the events that have occurred over the years helps to understand how quickly life changes. For our family, since Pam died, Molli graduated from Iowa State, got a job at Danfoss, bought a house, has a boyfriend and is working on a Master of Mental Health degree. Houston graduated high school, joined the Iowa Army National Guard, got married to Ally and was deployed for a year in a combat zone. They bought a house, had baby Ella last October and he is enjoying his IT job. Aimee graduated high school and from the University of Iowa in Biochemistry. She has accepted a job in Madison, Wisconsin and will be moving soon. I continued selling real estate, eventually married Dena and sold the house that Pam and I built. Dena and I bought a house that Pam sold to the people we bought it from. (I remember how much Pam loved that house, mostly because it had a pool). There have been numerous great nieces and nephews born. This is a small sampling of all that has happened since Pam passed.

Seasons come and seasons go. Looking back at the pace of change over the last 10 years helps us to understand that there is an urgency to life. An urgency that we tend to numb ourselves to. It can seem overwhelming. It could be paralyzing. As I read back through Pam’s words, I remember that she lived her life with urgency. At some points her urgency annoyed me. I just wanted her to take a breath. I think I see it more clearly now. Her urgency was an expression of her love for Jesus and people. Her urgency was passion, never fear.

So yes, I have taken time to reflect more this year. I left town for a few days to spend time praying, reflecting, reading and remembering. It has been both hard and encouraging. Hard because what once was is no longer. Life was so much fun with Pam. Not just that but she was my best friend. I knew what she was thinking by the look on her face. I knew when her chin went flat she was about to cry. There was nobody on the planet that I would rather be with than her. We shared a friendship in marriage that most people never get to experience. I can’t put into words how deeply I miss her. What I discovered by taking these days to reflect is that I could still, to this day, be emotionally destroyed if I focused on the loss of her instead of the gift she was. That’s where the encouraging part comes in. I did not deserve to have Pam as my wife in the first place. I truly mean that. I knew it at the time, and I am even more convinced of it now. She was such a gift, a blessing to me and my whole family. She changed the entire dynamic of the way my family communicated. She hugged people. We had only seen that in the movies. She was so full of joy and happiness that it spilled out all over everyone. Taking extended time to look back has resurfaced the depth of gratitude I have toward God for His amazing goodness. As I cry over the sorrow of missing her, I also celebrate the formative influence she had and continues to have in my life and the lives of all who knew her. I thank God for specific attributes that Pam embodied.

• Joy
• Happiness
• Love
• Gratitude
• Hard work
• Submission & obedience to God
• Godly wife & mother
• She cried & laughed with people
• Sense of humor & didn’t take herself too seriously
• Putting others before herself
• Fearless & boldness
• Discernment
• Encourager not a flatterer
• Humble

Once I started the list, I quickly realized that I could fill pages. I wonder which of her character qualities were most impactful on you?

For me one of the most impactful was her devotion to and trust in God. Her prayers were beautiful, honest, at times raw, real and compelling. When Pam prayed for you, chances are you were both in tears. She believed with every fiber of her being that God could do whatever he wanted. I believe she was so convinced of that because of the change God made in her dad. God had radically changed her dad’s destructive life of an alcoholic to one of a sober, dedicated Christ follower. She knew if God could change her dad’s life, he could do anything. In one of her blog posts she asked for her friends to pray for her. In her request she did a little teaching, a little preaching and some encouraging. This is what she said,

“pray that I will shine the light of Jesus to everyone I meet!  Always on the sunny side……need to keep my spirits up, and share the love of Christ to those around me.  I may never see them again, and truly, I have been reminded so clearly, how short this life is, and what really matters is the condition of our heart and who we belong to after this earthly life is over.  My heart belongs to God and I am confident I will be spending eternity with my Savior when my time here is done.  Praying that the people I love and have the opportunity to talk to will also know who they belong to, and where they will spend eternity.”

The downside to this time of reflection is that it opens the wounds again. The truth is, the pain of opening those old wounds is worth it because it reminds me of what made her so special. Even though those old wounds still sting the way they always have, in some strange way this effort has made her seem closer. In a good way.

I started this post with what I did know and what I didn’t know. What I didn’t know, what there was no way of knowing was how this was all going to work out. How could I continue to live any kind of meaningful life without my Pam. I loved her, I depended on her, I needed her. What was it going to look like moving forward without her? What I couldn’t have known the love and compassion shown to me, after her passing. I couldn’t have anticipated the levels of kindness and generosity shown to my kids and me. I couldn’t have known how God ministers to the broken hearted, without having a broken heart. Yet on the other side, I couldn’t have comprehended the emptiness of life’s experiences without her to share them with. I couldn’t have known the temptations of the evil one to draw me into dark places. I couldn’t have known the bitter taste of losing my closest human relationship. You can’t learn these things without experiencing them. Now I see more clearly what Pam and I had, who she was, who I am and ultimately who God is. I have studied about God, learned the nuances of theology and history. But to experience the presence of God’s spirit in your hour of greatest need is not something that can learned intellectually alone, it must also be experienced.

I don’t know how much time I have in this life, none of us do. What I do know is that Pam will never be my wife again and that’s ok. The reason it’s ok is that what God has for us in the future is infinitely better than what Pam and I experienced together in this life. I know how good our time was in this life, I can’t wait to see what lays ahead.

Some of you may be thinking, what about Dena. Pam is the one that suggested that Dena and I get married. (You can read about that in a previous post). Pam knew there are a lot of people playing church out there and wanted me to marry someone that would be a truly godly wife. Dena is that. That was the most important quality in a wife for me. If she wasn’t more in love with God than me, more in love with his word than me, more humbly submitted to his will than hers, then I would have remained single. I wouldn’t be the man I am today without Pam’s godly counsel through the years. I can say the same about Dena. I have seen her go to God when she is confused and hurt, look into his word, pray and come out of still hurting, still confused but at peace with God knowing he has everything under control. Dena can read all of this about Pam and celebrate her with us. Dena knows God’s will is perfect and it was in his plan for us to be married at this time, in this season. We don’t know why. We both still hurt deeply over the loss of Pam and Patrick. But the truth is, we are both at peace with God knowing he has everything under control.

If you were a friend of Pam. I encourage you to go back to her blog posts. Read them, feel her love and consider her plea to everyone to come to Jesus. I miss her so much. The pain will be with me until I die. But know without a shadow of a doubt that I will see her again and it is going to be perfect!!