30 years ago today was one of the happiest days I will ever experience in this life. That was the day that Pam Graber became my wife. We were so excited about what the future had in store for us but thankfully, we didn’t have a clue. Together we set out on the most amazing journey. What I didn’t realize the day we married was just what an amazing woman she was. I knew she was beautiful, funny and caring. What I didn’t fully appreciate was the depth of her love for Jesus and how that simple, unshakable faith would guide our lives and influence me to become the man I am today. We experienced the exhilaration of great joy as God blessed us with 3 children. We also experienced deep pain and wounds that rocked us to our core. Through the ups and downs there was a constant, Pam’s undeterred trust in God and love for Jesus. Because we walked through life with God, we were trained to first look to Him when life happened, whether it was good or tragic. Our deepening love for God caused our love for each other to grow to depths I didn’t fully appreciate until she was gone. The deep love that we had for God and trust in His plan allowed us to accept that His perfect will may be for Pam to go home. We submitted to His plan and praised Him through the tears. That surrender revealed the depth of love for God that had been built through the years. It was there, I just didn’t fully appreciate it until that time.
Not only did I start to really understand how much I loved and trusted God when He took Pam home, I also started to genuinely realize just how much I loved Pam. Don’t get me wrong, I knew I loved Pam and would miss her. 5 years later, I still celebrate Pam every day. I’m so thankful that God blessed me to have Pam as my wife for almost 25 years. I’m so grateful that she was the mother of my children and had time to pour her love for Jesus into them. I celebrate that she made me laugh, built me up, she challenged my sin, advocated on my behalf, she cared about me and for me. I miss her so much that yesterday I cried in church remembering how God walked with me through the first days, weeks and months without her. Then I realized, He is still walking with me as I grieve her still. She was an extraordinary person and my best friend.
You may be reading this thinking that it is odd and maybe insensitive for me to say these things about Pam since in January I married Dena. After all, I have publicly professed my love for Dena. Some might think that since God has given me a love for Dena, and I do love Dena, my grieving Pam would be over. Somehow, my new marriage, friendship and love of Dena is supposed to wipe away the pain of losing Pam. I get it. This is all very complicated and confusing. That is one of the greatest blessings of God bringing Dena and me together, she is in the same boat. She still grieves her husband Patrick who died a few months before Pam. Patrick was a funny, gregarious, caring, big hearted man of God. Patrick devoted his entire life to discipling young people to know and follow Jesus. I loved every minute I got to spend with him. Patrick was the kind of guy everyone wanted to hangout with. Dena grieves his loss deeply.
What Pam and I learned through her illness was that God’s plans are not our plans, His ways are not our ways. His plans and His ways are right and they are perfect. Pam said many times as the cancer was taking her away that she had the easier part of this plan. She got to go be with Jesus. I got to stay back here and try to live life without her. It has been so much harder than I could have ever imagined.
The excruciating pain is the result of the loss of the indescribable love Pam and I shared. Nothing in this life will change that reality. Nothing.
By now you are thoroughly confused. It’s like this. My grief is and will always be there. God had a plan for Dena and me and brought us together by giving us a love that neither one of us was looking for or can explain. God did not bless us with this marriage because we earned it. He blessed us with this marriage because He has a plan. We are excited to see what that plan is and where it leads us. God’s plan for our future however does not erase the pain of losing Pam and Patrick.
One last thought. My ever present grief is a reminder of the enormous gift God gave to me in the person of Pam. The more I understand and appreciate just how special she was/is, the more I understand how much God loves me. That deepens my love and trust in Him.
Yes, I’m still grieving after all these years. Grieving the loss of Pam which causes me to walk closer with Jesus and love Him more and more each day.
Always on the Sunny Side 