A NEW SEASON

As March begins, we anticipate the changing of the seasons. From the dormancy of winter in Iowa to the new life of spring.  One of the most profound lessons I have learned is that life is a compilation of seasons.  We don’t often know when they begin or end until after the change. There are other seasons that are clearer to understand.  I knew on that Sunday morning 9 years ago as I was holding Pam’s hand and she stopped breathing, a new season had begun. I also learned that some seasons are not of our choosing. I will forever view my life as three main seasons.  There was the season before Pam, the season with Pam and the season after she was gone.  From the minute I laid my eyes on Pam she has been in my mind and in my heart.  There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t feel the emptiness of the void from her passing.  I could choose to be angry and bitter, that would be easy.  Rather, by God’s grace he has allowed me to be able to celebrate the time we had together and enjoy the fact that I get to live the rest of my life with her voice in my ear. To be honest, I do struggle sometimes with the sadness and weight of grief. Even with the truth of God’s word, the encouragement of God’s people and the power of God’s spirit within me, even with all of that, it is a struggle sometimes. God made us in His image not as robots. In His image we have the capability to love and love deeply as he does. That also makes us vulnerable to grief, heavy grief. But believe me when I say it’s worth it to have loved and experienced loss than never to have loved.

So, as I sit here today somewhere between hope and hurt as a new season is dawning. I am learning to be a godly husband to my new wife Dena.  Our kids are transitioning before our eyes into responsible adults with jobs, houses and lives of their own. The biggest change, the most difficult change is happening with church.  Pam and I were thrilled to be a part of the group that planted Keystone Church.  We had just begun to meet as a church in the old high school auditorium in September of 2012.  One month later we received Pam’s terminal cancer diagnosis and 4 months later, she was gone.  The people at Keystone have helped bear my grief with me.  They loved, encouraged, supported and helped me in my time of greatest need.  I still feel the same love for my friends at Keystone and never imagined leaving.  But God has made it clear that He wants me to be a part of a small group of people planting another church in our city, called Ankeny Gospel Church.  I know how deeply Pam wanted everyone to know the love of Jesus.  She regularly shared the good news of the Gospel.  She did so fearlessly.  She would be so excited about this new mission.  But, like me, and even more so, she would be broken hearted to not be serving side by side with our church family at Keystone. But this is the work God has called us to and we pray that He will rescue many through the ministry of this little church plant.

9 years have passed. Life has changed in major ways. Today feels different, it feels like a significant season is changing.  It is easy to be melancholy and sad. My tendency is to want to cling to the memories of the past. I miss her so much. I miss the life we had so much. That is just reality. But the truth that Pam would preach is that while she was an awesome wife (she would probably say that more than once), she was not my God. I’ve heard people say, “It’s not supposed to be like this.” I’ve even said it. While I understand the sentiment, this is the way it is supposed to be. This was God’s plan. Pam didn’t die too soon. God took her at the exact right time according to his purposes and I trust Him.

Helping a new church plant feels a lot like it did in 2012 with Pam. April 3^rd we will open the doors of Ankeny Gospel Church and pray that God will bring in the lost, hurting, hopeless and broken. The good news of the Gospel of Jesus is the only cure for our broken relationship with God. The Gospel is the only solution to the hungering within you. The Gospel is the only thing that truly satisfies. That is the truth of God’s word. That is the truth that Pam never wearied in sharing. She would be inviting everyone to join us to celebrate Jesus. You see, it is a new season, but Pam’s legacy is right there with us.

The older I get the harder it is to talk about her without tears, but I will not stop talking about her. Not a chance. Her legacy powerfully impacted so many of us.  It would be impossible not to celebrate her and I do every day. Till we meet again, my sweet Pam.