Words will never be adequate to convey the experience of the loss I feel from Pam’s death. This day comes around every year and I put another tally on the board. Another year of this life without my Pam. To call her my best friend doesn’t even come close to describing her role in my life. She was my girlfriend, my best friend, my cheerleader, my lover and the mother of my children. Pam was my spiritual peer and she patiently (most times) challenged me to be more like Jesus and to love Him more than anything. As I have said many times in this blog, I adored her. We were two peas in a pod, peanut butter and jelly, we were one flesh. I knew what she was thinking with just a glance. Everyday with her I felt like I had won life’s lottery, I seriously could not believe she was in love with me. I respected her, admired her, I was smitten by her beauty and overwhelmed by her love.
I am saddened by the reality that with every tally one the board, more of the details of our life together fade away. More and more people in my life never knew her. It is now a pretty rare conversation in which her name is mentioned. That is one of the reasons I continue to write. The world needs to know that Pam Butler lived. She was an exceptionally godly women that had a significant impact on the lives of everyone who knew her. Her life needs to be remembered, celebrated and emulated.
The pain is still deep, powerful and ever-present. A love like that can’t be escaped with the passing of time, the joys of the goodness of God, not even with God’s provision of a godly woman to share my life with now. The pain, I am certain, will not subside in this life. I miss her terribly. I miss her every day.
This is where it gets complicated doesn’t it? Pam is dead. She told me before she died that she wanted me to remarry and continue to live and enjoy life. After 5 years, Dena and I married, fulfilling Pam’s expressed desire the last time the 3 of us were together. I know, it sounds weird. Sometimes I still can’t believe it myself. Dena was in my wedding to Pam. Pam was in Dena’s wedding to Patrick. Pam and Patrick die about 9 weeks apart. 5 years later Dena and I are married.
It’s complicated you see. All of the descriptors I just used about my feelings towards Pam, Dena would also say about Patrick, except maybe the “smitten by beauty” part. Two people married to each other in deep pain and longing for someone else. At the same time, so humbly thankful to God for His generosity in provide the capacity to love again. To live a full life in the present appreciating all the good gifts God has so abundantly lavishes on His people.
When Pam stopped breathing, I honestly didn’t know how I would ever experience happiness again. But God. God provided a way. God created a space within me that didn’t exist before. It was a space that He filled with a love for Dena that caught me off guard. In His timing, in His way, He gave me a love for and drew me to Dena as His love gift to me. Not because I deserved it or had done anything to earn it. The love I experience for Dena was God’s unmerited gift that He gave to me for reasons only He knows. I am so grateful. God is so good. As the old hymn says, “I stand amazed in the presence of Jesus the Nazarene.” I can’t begin to understand it let alone explain it. I’m just so thankful.
So yes, it’s complicated. I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and it resides with Pam. I think about and mourn Pam every day of my life. Her loss still hurts me to my core. At the same time, I’m so thankful to God for His grace to sustain me through Pam’s death and the years of singleness that followed. I am speechless to articulate the surprise and happiness that visited me upon God giving me the capacity to love and then putting in my heart a love for Dena that neither of us expected. Now I am living a life with a blended family and a second wife, I am happy and in love. The future holds promise again and I cry often over the devastation I still feel from losing Pam. It’s complicated but God brought me together with one of the only women in the world whose experience allows her to empathize with me without struggling with jealousy. Competing with the legacy of a larger than life, amazingly godly former spouse could be more than a marriage could take but God made a way.
So today, it is complicated. My grief is particularly strong today over what happened exactly 8 years ago. I will never forget that morning. I am comforted in my pain by the wife I love, who loves me and who understands what I am experiencing. She is experiencing the same pain as she sees me struggle. Our kids and their spouses bring tremendous joy as we watch them grow into all we hoped they would be. Yet, as we watch our kids, we wonder, what if.
On this sad day, I keenly feel the love of God in more ways than I have words. He is the master of the complicated and the creator of all that is good. In a world where everything changes, many times in ways we do not want, God never changes. God is never surprised. He is never confused. “God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:1,10 Ephesians 3:20,21 Now to him who is able to do above and beyond all that we ask or think according to the power that works in us to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus to all generations, forever and ever. Amen.
Always on the Sunny Side 
Tom, this is Barb (Kelderman) Jackson. Your writing is so moving to me. After my divorce, I married a man whose wife had passed away 4 years prior to our meeting. Dallas’s first wife died in her 40’s of cancer. I had the privilege of knowing her. She was a beautiful wife, mom and friend. I know Dallas misses her terribly – particularly when trying to raise 3 elementary children alone. Your writing helps me understand the pain that he feels at times. The story of your and Dena’s meeting is incredible – God orchestrated. Isn’t He good? I am sorry you’re having a difficult day. My memories of Pam (though we didn’t spend lots of time together) are of her sense of humor, beauty and so fun to be around! She was honest and humble. Your love for one another was evident. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Tom. I am sure it touches many who have gone through loss.
I say it every time, but this is beautifully written! Thank you for sharing your heart. And anytime you want to have a conversation where Pam’s name is mentioned, give me a call — I bet we end up laughing!!