3.3.13 – 4.3.14 The beginning of the second year without Pam. There is an internal pressure to move on, whatever that means. But how do I transition from mourning the loss of my life partner, from living with unimaginable pain, from the shock that the life that we have worked so hard to build, is gone? That life, that future is not coming back. How do I transition from that place to…to anything, to anything that can begin to compare to what I had. The sweetness of the blessing of THAT life was so much more than I ever could have dreamed it would be. From the very beginning she made life fun. Here is a clip recorded in our first home, a mobile home! She was down on the floor making sure her nephews and niece were having a ball!
Pam made life fun. She made life interesting, unpredictable and rich. I miss her desperately. Move on? The reality is that “Moving On” is out of my control. How long will it take? How will I know? Will it ever happen? Am I going to live the rest of my life alone, looking back? The answer to the last question is an absolute no. Pam would not want it that way. And we all know that what Pam wants, Pam gets. After all she told me I had to preach her funeral, when I told her I didn’t think I could she just said, “Make it happen”. Here is Pam in her own words, 38 hours before she met Jesus face to face, encouraging me.
Man, that is one strong woman. Pam was by far the strongest, most determined, most fearless person I have ever known. There is a lot I don’t know about this grieving process. This is the hardest experience of my life. It seems like I find new ways to hurt every day. But, if Pam used her last few breaths in this life to encourage me to keep living, then that’s what needs to happen. What an example she was, not just in her words, but in her life. She was smiling and saying goodbye, she was ready, I think, as she realized the end was close, she was excited. I don’t feel sorry for Pam and I don’t feel sorry for me. As I move through the sadness, loneliness and disappointment, I look to God. The rest of my life is in His hands. When will relief come? What will that look like? God knows. He blessed me with every good gift I have ever received, including Pam. What does He have in store for my future? I don’t know but I do know that “every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning”
Pam was looking forward as she was leaving this life, I need to continue to look forward as I live the rest of mine. How am I going to do that? I have no idea, stay tuned, God is going to show us the way.