3.3.13 – 3.3.14 Unbelievable. Simply doesn’t seem possible that it has been a year since she left. Those last two days seem like they just happened. Friday brought a struggle to breathe and communicate, in her eyes there seemed to be an acute awareness of the brevity of her time with us. There wasn’t panic but a sense of urgency. Saturday it was touch and go all day as we thought we were going to lose her at any minute, she didn’t communicate much at all as she spent the whole day in bed. Then Sunday morning, she rallied for just a minute to smile and look me in the eye and uttered her last words, “I love you too, honey” and then…her chest stopped moving, she was gone.
I never would have guessed that you could remove the spark plug of this family, the spirit of this home, the spontaneity of our lives and we would do as well as we have. The reason is in the title of this post. We are never alone. While we miss Pam terribly and sometimes the tears just come out of the blue, we are not alone. I long for the special companionship that only the husband and wife share, but I’m never alone. Many times I feel inadequate to perform in social situations the way I have for the last 25 years under the direction of the best, still, I am not alone. It is more than a cliché, it is reality. I loved being married to Pam, we were, in Pam’s words, peanut butter and jelly. Our union wasn’t just blessed by God, it was orchestrated by Him. The sweetness of her smile, the hilarity of her laugh, the unpredictability of her humor, her intoxicating smile, irresistible charm, her enthusiastic hugs, her passion, innocence, sophistication and intuition were just a few of the blessings she shared with us. What an amazing woman! What a truly spectacularly special human being. What a joy and a privilege to know her, love her, share my life with her and learn from her.
As she said in this prayer, we are not alone. Typical Pam, in this audio file you will hear her get choked up twice, once when recalling a story about our daughter Aimee and the other when she is praying for our friend Jim who was serving in Iraq at the time. Pam genuinely loved and cared about people.
We have made it through this year with a strength that is not our own, a strength that is not from us. Many people are praying for us as a family and God is honoring those prayers. He is showing us mercy and showering us with grace. God is good. God is faithful. God can be trusted. He is real, His Spirit that lives within all true believers is real. Because of God’s faithfulness and presence, we live. We don’t just survive this indescribable pain, we have love, joy and hope beyond measure.
It is exciting to think about what she is doing right now. I am so happy for her. Sadness, pain, betrayal, heartache and disappointment can’t touch her anymore. She is experiencing the abundant life that God created us for.
Don’t get me wrong, I miss her every minute of every day, when I go to bed at night and when I wake up in the morning. I think about her when I am driving, when I am at my open house, when I am cleaning the house, especially when I am cleaning the house. One of my kids asked me last night if I had draped the blanket over the arm of the sofa. I said yes, the way your mother used to do it. To which the un-named child informed me that it was not “exactly the way she did it”. It looked more like a guy did it. I loved being married to Pam, I don’t like being single, I loved being married to Pam. I miss her with every fiber of my being. Every bit of the pain I feel at her loss testifies to the magnitude of God’s blessing in giving her to me in the first place. I have no idea what this next year will look like but there are two things I do know; I will continue to miss my sweetheart with a pain that cannot be expressed with words and I will never be left alone, God has promised not to leave or forsake me and to be a friend that is closer than a brother, He has been and He will continue to be.